The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
