4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
