Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
