Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I could make wine with my vomit
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I touched a dick in church today
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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