don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
