Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
there is glitter all over my balls
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