Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
