I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
