I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
