I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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