Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
