i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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