Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
