yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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