If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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