i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
