just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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