i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
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My thoughts exactly.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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