So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
