If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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