Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Text me some of your sweat
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
