your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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