Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
