I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
