How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
