I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
