i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My breasts were aching with rage.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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