I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
