just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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