remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
