I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
