i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
