i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
