I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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