I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
