I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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