i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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