my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
