New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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