I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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