Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
