Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
