I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
