beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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