I think i peed on brittanys purse
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
