The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
