Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
