My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
