i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I think I just sharted jello shots
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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