Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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