I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
